


The Sign

by EwoksAreOurMasterRace



Category: Disney Villains
Genre: DisneyVillainsMansion, F/M, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-26 04:19:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6223609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EwoksAreOurMasterRace/pseuds/EwoksAreOurMasterRace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Disney Villains deal with a Galaxy far, far away that is suddenly very close to home, specifically their own Villain Mansion. Just who has the better merchandising and does anyone but Maleficent care? Shameless MaleficentxJafar for laughs. Rated Grown-up because Villains have the best swear words. Starring Hades, Hans, Maleficent, Jafar, spinach puffs, Mario Kart, Lady Tremaine, Sykes and others - First post to this site so comments and criticisms welcome!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Way down under

In the murky fog of the colossal underground cavern the odd couple stepped from black boat onto the dank stone jetty. The smaller, cowled figure climbed the winding stone staircase slowly while the bearded, spike-hatted hulk followed behind with one hand on his vicious, curved saber. Distant screams and moans echoed through the eerie cave system filed with permanent twilight. A grey-skinned Minotaur with one broken horn waited at the top of the stairs.  
“We wish to see your Master, the Lord of the Underworld, Hades. We have news from the world above.” The woman’s voice was cultured and stern. The monster scratched behind an ear and with a gruff snort beckoned the travelers to follow him through the cavernous entrance to Hell.  
They were shown to a long stone table covered in scrolls and dust. The female figure removed her sheer shawl and took in her surroundings with a dignified, critical glare. Her companion shrugged off his animal hide cape and breathed in deeply. Though expected, the sudden smoky appearance of the Lord of Hell shocked the woman and caused her muscled companion to spring from his seat, sword in hand. Once the smoke cleared the visitors were greeted by the huge intimidating stature of Hades, Lord of the Dead. He stood, arms crossed, half in shadow from his flaming hair, yellow eyes narrowed in expectation.  
“Hades, we are here to ask a boon of you.” Lady Tremaine spoke from her seat.  
“If I had 20 Drachma for every time a villain crawled down here looking for favours...”  
As the God spoke, Lady Tremaine glanced at the Mongol opposite her who nodded. She stared into the smoking God’s eyes and raised her right hand, then slowly crossed her index and middle finger. She had made the Sign.  
The mood in the hall immediately changed. “Oh thank me! You guys would not believe how busy I’ve been – hey guys? Take your break okay? Smoke if you got ‘em!” The creatures lurking in the corners of the room pulled out their phones and cigarettes and wandered around, chatting. Hades’ hair flared up and he collapsed heavily into his chair at the head of the table. Shan Yu sheathed his sword and removed his hat “Busy with this new world’s dead?” He asked  
Hades absently made the Sign with his right hand and lit a cigar from his left  
“Ugh, new Galaxy, remember? That’s a lot of dead - you see all this paperwork?” He gestured to the table before him “Anyways, good to see you Tremaine, Shan - you hungry?”  
He snapped his fingers and plates of lamb, pork and bread appeared before the guests along with a wide goblet for Shan Yu and a delicate cup of tea for Lady Tremaine. Shan Yu grabbed a plate and got stuck in; Lady Tremaine eyed the tea warily.  
“Hey, don’t worry bout it, this is all outside food, nah if I wanted your souls I’d be trickier about it”  
Hades laughed and sipped a cocktail. Lady Tremaine tried the tea and found it acceptable. A dumpy Cyclops stomped over and dropped 3 or 4 scrolls on the table. Hades raised an eyebrow at him and sighed, reaching forward for a scroll. The Wicked Stepmother cleared her throat.  
“Hades-”  
“Whoa, here we go!”  
“We’re here to ask you a favour-”  
“No more chariot rides! One of you spilt a milkshake in there last time a-“  
“It’s about The Fairy-Witch” Shan spat out between mouthfuls.  
Hades frowned and rubbed his chin for a moment, “Oh, Mal! Maleficent?”  
Lady Tremaine nodded and sipped some more tea “She’s not taking this new Galaxy well, I’m afraid. Magic she can handle, but this...Force? Light-swords and telepathic powers? Wizards, she has defeated but ‘Jedi’? Plus she now has the added competition of the one Villain in existence that’s more famous than her!”  
“Darth Vader” Shan Yu mumbled.  
“She’s feeling threatened and intimidated, although she’d never admit it. We watched the moving pictures that were precursors to this movie, from back in the seventies? Well she destroyed the television and stormed out of the mansion. That was months ago and now she won’t answer myself or Ursula, she’s just holed up in her castle alone, threatening to raise and army and ... brooding.” Lady Tremaine tailed off, looking to Hades hopefully.  
“So what about Grimey? She’s the Villain-rep and her oldest pal-“  
“Grimhilde is doing her duty with Mickey as our villain emissary to these Star-people, she won’t have time for Maleficent’s mood swings, I’ve barely seen her since the premiere. No, I’m afraid it’s up to you or Jafar to bring her around.” Lady Tremaine fixed Hades with her green-eyed Glare.  
“Hah! Sorry your Dame-Ness but this ain’t the job for me, even if I could spare the time.”  
“But in the past you’ve managed to-“  
“In the past I’ve managed to irritate Mal enough that she forgets who she’s hating, in the past I’ve made her laugh and cheered her up of whatever insult has torpedoed her self-esteem and had her moping in her realm but-“  
“-But now you’re too busy?” Lady Tremaine cut in  
“-But this time –as I was trying to say - she isn’t sulking in her room, this time my shtick won’t cut it: I try and make her laugh she’ll blast me in half and try and usurp my realm -and I am waaay too busy for that right now- no, she needs someone to gently coax her outta that crazy tree and make it okay for her to back down, have a nap, go to Defcom 1 etcetera, without losing face.”  
“I thought Defcom 1 was the worst?” Shan glanced up, face full.  
“Eh, whatever, anyway I’d love to help you - I would, but this job doesn’t call for my specific skill set.” He turned back to the pile of papers in front of him.  
Lady Tremaine leant forward  
“Jafar. That is what you are saying? It is up to him? Well I’m sure he is more than capable of using his charm and skills of manipulation to calm her down in a most professional manner.”  
Shan and Hades exchanged raised eyebrows - which of course Lady Tremaine noticed.  
“You don’t think he is up to the challenge?” She sniffed  
“Don’t get me wrong, Jafar’s great, I love the guy, it’s just that when it comes to Mal he gets all.....” The God twirled a grey hand as he raised his cocktail and searched for the word.  
“Romantic?” Shan suggested through a leg of lamb.  
“Hopeful.” Hades scrunched his face and downed his drink to wash the word out of his mouth.  
“Well if Jafar cannot handle it we will have no choice but to go to Management.” Lady Tremaine sighed.  
“The Mouse will handle her.” Shan grunted.  
“But he’s been so busy introducing this new world, sorry- Galaxy- that he won’t appreciate the extra work...he might be quite tough with her...” She toyed with the large broach at her throat.  
“So-umph-what?”  
“Shan, pal, chew first”  
“It’s obvious she’s not handling this well. If Mickey reads her the riot act she will be confined to the Mansion and we will all suffer. The weather alone will be dreadful - we can forget the tennis tournament.” Lady Tremaine inspected the drink before her with a frown.  
“What?!” Hades started  
“Tennis?”

At that moment a stunningly naked, red-skinned female appeared beside Hades in a swath of smoke, handed him a scroll and waited, tapping into a small calculator.  
“20...30...45,000...brings it up to...okay, yah that seems right.” Hades mumbled then signed the scroll with a flourish and handed it back to the sexual vision beside him who promptly popped into nothingness.  
“Who...who was that?” Shan’s eyes were wide, his meal forgotten  
“Ah that’s Ishtar, ‘Izzy’, head of the Succubus/Incubus Union”  
“Hades, you unionized your demons?” Lady Tremaine asked incredulously  
“Demons - no, but Succubi, Incubi, hell they’ve been around a lot longer than me. Izzy there I’d figure is about 12,000 years old, but then you never ask a lady her age.” He winked at Lady Tremaine who shook her head, feeling a headache creep upon her.  
Another creature – this one with far too many eyes to be practical, Lady Tremaine thought- approached Hades with arms full of scrolls. Hades shooed him away impatiently.  
“Well we’ve taken up enough of your time, Hades and thank you for your hospitality – but will you please ask Jafar for his assistance?” Lady Tremaine stood up dusting down her dress.  
“Yeah, yeah, sure thing. Look, I don’t want you to feel like I’m giving you the Orpheus-rush out of here or anything but this new Galaxy is fine with the whole murder-with-laser weapons-thing and there’s this one guy called, uh, ‘Qui Gon Jinn’? – Oy! They’ve been down here constantly looking for him! Is he dead? Is he a ghost? – They don’t even know!” Hades stood up arms spread in exasperation. Shang adjusted his hat and sword and held out his arm for Lady Tremaine.  
“This will all blow over soon, trust me. If I know Jafar he’s already on his way to Mal’s realm, eye’s flashing and beard twirling, so try and relax, ‘kay? See ya later kids!” He snapped his fingers and Shan Yu and Lady Tremaine were transported instantly back to the Villains mansion. 

Hades conjured up another cocktail in time to see two exotic-looking, very alive strangers in matching robes step off Charon’s boat and look around.  
“Oh, no - NO! He’s not here! I don’t know where he is or why he’s not a ghost but HE. AIN’T. HERE! JEEZ! Hades grumbled and turned back to the mountain of scrolls sullenly “Fucking Lucas...”


	2. War?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jafar sleazes like never before and pigmen are unfairly yelled at. Also Hans fulfills his duty as the newest Villain.  
> ...Little shit that he is.

“War?” Jafar’s dark face was an intimidating mix of scowl and frown and Hans, yet again, was wondering why he was the one who had to break this news. Then he remembered that until another movie with an active villain came along he was the Villain’s Bitch. From being sent to get tartan paint to breaking bad news to an old man with phenomenal cosmic powers and (more importantly) a long heavy stick, it was up to BitchHans. He breathed deeply and prepared himself to run for it.  
“Apparently she thinks that this new world, this, um, space world is a threat to Disney that the Mouse can’t see and that the Force is a rival form of magic and she’s angry that there are these Darths that have more merchandising than her and because of all this she’s gathering her minions and preparing for war, ‘Mouse be damned! She said’” Hans took another deep breath and watched the Sorcerer for any signs of immediate violence.  
“And where did you come across this information?” He asked, stroking his beard contemplatively.  
Hans eyed his staff, not keen on being hypnotized to streak down Main Street again,  
“Lady Tremaine went to Hell to ask Hades for help, he said he didn’t have that kind of power and that the only one who could help Maleficent now was you.”  
Jafar stared at his reflection in the back of his staff and slowly smiled.  
Seeing his evil grin Hans relaxed slightly and made the mistake of trying to bond with the well-groomed, older man  
“So, you’ll go? Women, huh? You want to, heh, bring her ice cream or chocolate fondue or something?” Han’s hopeful grin was frozen to his face as Jafar encased the brat in ice and strode upstairs to change and preen before he set off to visit his soul and heart’s inspiration.

Jafar arrived instantly at the bridge to Maleficent’s realm. His fairy was so tempestuous and expressive that those who knew her had learned to read the weather to gauge the Sorceress’ mood. The Genie took in the heavy black and purple clouds, booming thunder and lashing wind and guessed she was in a tantrum of IMAX proportions. He strode to the castle gate across the drawbridge to the windswept thorny grounds that were unusually devoid of pigmen minions and tested his magic at the door. He was barred from instant entry and from forcing the doors but spotted a few figures on the battlements and shot a bolt of fire above their heads.  
“I seek an audience with your violent and most terrifying Mistress! I am Jafar- GRANT ME ENTRANCE!”  
His voice was amplified to sound over the thunder and sent the pigment above the gate skittering and squeeing inside. He waited, staring at the colossal storm slowly curling and churning above him. She really was Not Happy. Part of Jafar was tickled inside; she was so very, very beautiful when she was angry, but also far more likely to stab him with plants.  
The Castle drawbridge fell and Jafar made his way inside at his most imperial march, making sure his robes were billowing suitably, hoping she would be watching. Her imposing throne room was empty, which meant, Jafar thought happily, that he simply had to head upstairs to her tower. To her bedroom. Her bed. He shuddered pleasantly and pushed past the rotund, ugly creatures and their spears, catapulting them against the walls with a wave of his staff, drawn inexorably towards her.  
The tower steps chilled the sorcerer and he tried his hardest to protect his robes from the dank mould on the walls. How he wished he were in his warm plush mansion rooms, with her, of course. These conditions, whilst stylish and deeply appropriate to her character, were unhealthy and uncomfortable which no doubt contributed to her prickly mood. He remembered how cold and dusty her bed was, how soft her skin was, how wet her- no. Stop. Focus. This is for Mickey and to avert war and her nipples tasted lik- NO! Enough! 

The light from his staff reflected the embedded emeralds on the heavy door to her rooms; he raised his snake staff and knocked three times slowly. It echoed down the stairs behind him and through her castle. The door gradually opened with a groaning creak that would have spooked Vincent Price, which impressed Jafar deeply. He waited, preening and preparing himself to enter with his most dramatic sweep.  
“Enter...”  
He swept in to the centre of the cold stone room (one of his best sweeps, he thought, at least a 5/7) and bowed grandly before the Mistress of all Evil. She was stood by the old curtains of her balcony, mostly in shadow and difficult to make out in the gloom were it not for her glowing golden eyes. He straightened up and their eyes met. He swallowed and felt his stomach flip; the room was so silent that they both heard her breathe in deeply through her nose. From inside this tower he could hear the noise coming from outside the balcony. It sounded like quite a crowd, a rowdy inhuman crowd. They watched each other as the roar grew louder and the shadows on the wall from the gathering storm made eldritch shapes flow across the walls casting her face in and out of shadow. As his eyes adjusted to evening light he noticed her pupils were vertical, slitted and the shadows on her skin were shaped like scales and of a dark bruising shade.  
Jafar felt a twinge of fear, looking over her changing body - she was quite far gone. He remembered her reaction after the showing of the latest movie, that space opera: a mix of disgruntlement and dismissive-ness, but then the first trilogy was shown to them...then another trilogy and then the fan base and dollars started to add up. Jafar sighed internally, the one other franchise in all worlds that could compete with Disney over merchandising and the Mouse had brought them together. Maleficent’s fury and fear over this latest movie and her villain legacy must be taking her to breaking point, his poor, vicious dragoness. He would reassure her. He would stroke and caress her ego as he had in the past caressed her body and if he could do it without being stabbed in the face, so much the better.  
He slowly took one step, two steps towards her, arms at his side, never breaking eye contact. Maleficent did not move but watched him warily. He glanced towards the balcony and source of the noise.  
“We have missed you at the Villains mansion, my Empress” He offered. Then, lowering his voice-“I have missed you.”  
“Could you defeat a Jedi, Jafar?”  
Jafar stopped, cycling through possible answers and trying to remember which ones in those movies were Jedis. Her voice had a strange two-tone effect. She was close to transforming.  
“When was the last time you slept, my Mistress?” He asked taking another careful forward step.  
“The ability to twist minds and move objects. Swords made of burning light...handled by children!” She spat, showing the point of fangs.  
Jafar stayed still and tried to recall the details of the movie causing all this upset.  
“When did you last eat, my Empress?” He took a small step closer to her, trying to see out of the balcony, to what sounded like a damned army.  
“Action figures, more action figures and Lego than could ever be dreamed of and the biggest box office opening in history!” She snarled and Jafar heard the creak of her scaled skin clenching her staff. He would have to bring her out of this now; he would have to be bold. Either he would be successful or she would kill him and march on the Mouse, was she worth the risk?  
“How dare the Mouse combine our universes? How dare he seek to contaminate our world? How dare he flood our realms with more computer-generated chicanery? I shall show him, I shall bring true villainy to their Galaxy”  
As she ranted Jafar took a deep breath. She had turned to face out over the balcony and Jafar stepped behind her and prepared to take the biggest gamble, for the Mouse and for Villainy.

Maleficent jerked her whole body forward, stunned into silence. This could not be happening, surely Jafar would never betray her this way. But he had. Her knees felt weak and she focused on the sudden sensation in the centre of her back. She was struck dumb with one thought in her chaotic, furious mind.  
Not like this.


	3. Who ordered the spinach puffs?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jafar uses his hands and his heart (awww) and meets Megara on a mission of most importance. Then threatens to blow shit up, damn you Maleficent!!

His long fingers walked up her shoulder blades and began deeply kneading the knotted tissue there. She tried not to give in so readily but his hands were so very skilled and the heat of his body close behind her was very comforting. All he needed to do now was lull her with that rich voice of his-  
“Mmm...Maleficent...my Mistress...”  
Oh Hell.  
“Power such as yours should not be burnt out on one insignificant world, especially one with a moody teenager as it’s Villain”  
Her eyes were closing as his hands moved in probing circles over her shoulders.  
“Surely a mere Freshman world should not have the privilege of your attention? The attention of the most powerful Villain across two centuries, nonetheless- hmm?”  
Yes. Mmm, I am powerful, two centuries, unf, I like that, and he smells like expensive carpets...  
“They don’t even have their own theme park...” He whispered in her ear as he spread his thumbs up and down the nape of her neck. She was exhausted, how had she not noticed it before? She had barely slept in weeks. Sleep would be wonderful. Her stomach growled faintly. Mmm a nap and a quick sandwich. Her eyes fluttered closed and her head fell back, resting on Jafar’s shoulder. He watched her face intently for a few minutes while relaxing the pressure on her back muscles, waiting for that one moment when sleep would take her..and..now!  
With gentle grace he slipped his arms under her body and carried her swiftly to her bed. She mumbled then relaxed against the cold pillows, breathing deeply. He watched her hungrily, counting her breaths, trying to smother his growing arousal. He could hear a clamour threatening outside at the sudden loss of Maleficent’s presence, so he strode out to the balcony and lifted his entwined fingers to show her Horde below. Noticing the Sign, the crowd ceased their discord and spread out, muttering in relief, chatting sociably to each other about laundry, by-elections and a variety of other humdrum things.  
Jafar glanced up as Diablo settled on the headboard, blinked at him tiredly and tucked his head under his wing. It seems her whole realm will be grateful for the respite. Even from the balcony he heard her stomach growl. He checked that she was still sleeping, resisted with superhuman effort the urge to fondle her and set off on the search of food.

Down in the kitchens some of her minions were milling about, smoking, reading magazines and making vines. They started when he entered but seeing it was not their Mistress they simply nodded and went back to their break. They recognized Jafar.   
The door to the storeroom was open and the contents very depressing. A bag of onions, pot of mustard, a hoof and something that may have been a lemon...or an unfortunate lime....or a very unfortunate watermelon. Shaking his head at her self-neglect Jafar climbed back up to Maleficent’s dark tower. He stood by her sleeping form, twirling his beard, thinking. Aha! He knew what she would eat, her favourite food in fact (although she would kill him if she thought he knew what it was). He enjoyed watching her eat without her noticing and had made it an art form so he could tell with confidence when a meal pleased her or when it was being used simply for fuel. But her favourite was back on Main Street. Hmm, dare he take her to the Mansion? It would be for her own good, yes, but would she see it that way? Her stomach whined plaintively.

Decision made he strode to her wardrobe and selected a few of the sets of robes at random (they were all the same, anyway) no doubt she had clothes at the Mansion but just in case. He placed them folded on the floor and stuck his staff in the stone tiles beside them where it stood on end, waiting. Jafar bent low to her cold bed and slowly slid his arms underneath her stunning, peaceful form (He pondered whether he could eat her out without waking her, but she was probably not that tired). He stood with her in his arms, her head against his chest and stood next to her clothes and his staff. Diablo would know where they were, he could find his way there easily and who knows, maybe he will be grateful of the downtime. His staff began to glow as he muttered a quickly spell of return-

-and was in the corridor outside her room in the Villains Mansion.  
Her clothes were at his feet and she still slept in his arms. Distant noises told him three things: 1) his fellow villains seemed to be all gathered in the Games room 2) They were playing Mario Kart again, and 3) Gaston was losing. Again. 

Carefully stepping towards the iron and aged-oak doors to Maleficent’s suite he mumbled a spell. Nothing happened. Jafar frowned and tilted the sorceress further again his chest as he quickly reached out and tried the handle. Locked. Locked against magic, too. Jafar swore genteelly, considered kicking the door down- but that may alert his comrades, and he did not want them to see them like this.   
Actually, he sort of did want them to see this. But then Mal would be teased about it and would most likely kill him for holding her in such a Princess-y manner, then someone (Gaston) would make a Sleeping Beauty joke and she would huff and kill him again. And probably others. Then Hades would be all smug and make him play cards to get his body back and it would all turn to shit. Jafar stood frowning at his unpleasant train of thought. He never thought he could be so grumpy with Maleficent so close to him. Hmmph. Nothing for it then. He turned and delicately kicked her robes ahead of him the short way down the hall to his own rooms. 

He passed through the door and with a toss of his head cleared the scrolls and mess from his own bed. He knelt down and skillfully deposited the fairy on his gold silk sheets beneath the tented canopy and veils of red draping around the circular mattress to the floor. Through the veils she looked like a nightmare djinn or succubus at rest and Jafar desperately wanted to lock the door, get naked and crawl in there with her. Maybe he could get a sleepy kiss and grope before she tortured and executed him? That consequence he could deal with; inconvenience that it was, but she also probably wouldn’t talk to him for months and that would hurt. No, he was here to look after her and prevent inter-world (Galaxy) war so shoving his hand between her thighs and being blasted out of his skin would have to wait until another time.   
His stomach growled and shook him out of his fantasies. Food, her favourite food. Which meant a trip to Kronk’s. Hmm... which meant a sneaky trip to Kronk’s, bypassing his fellow Villains downstairs or else he would end up collecting food for 28 argumentative people and a pouty Gaston. He gripped his staff and internally focused on Main Street, zeroing in on a quiet, out-of-sight corner he knew by the book store, the last thing he needed was screaming at his sudden arrival, no, this was going to be quick – In. Order. Out. He checked that his erection had gone down, summoned a hasty glass of water for her bedside and was gone in a flash of fiery snakes.

“Next please! Welcome to Kronk’s Family Fun-tisserie home of the cabbage-onna-spit! May I take your ord-AH!”  
The anthropomorphic badger in front of him had finally looked up and noticed Jafar’s tall and menacing glare. At the sound of her cry the packed restaurant had turned around and, noticing the imposing figure of Jafar, a number of patrons had stood up angrily and made to advance on the dark sorcerer. Jafar sighed and raised his entwined fingers and the customers settled slowly, muttering darkly.  
“A twenty-seven, a sixteen and a family-sized box of spinach puffs” Jafar enunciated slowly eyes boring into the quivering creature. After a second or two of terror she began typing in the order then looked up  
“Uh, and, uh, to drink?” She stammered  
“An iced Tea and a ...mumblestrawberymumble,,”  
“Uh, uh, an iced tea and a? S-sorry I didn’t catch that?”  
“Strawberrybumblegoomilkshake!” Jafar hissed. A large table of jungle folk behind him sniggered loudly. This was unbearable, how dare these pesants draw weapons on him, then laugh at him! He did not know which was worse! Why was he putting up with this?  
Whipped cream? Would she want whipped cream? He was aware of people and animals actively listening for his answer. He could leave now or blast them to pieces. Would she want whipped cream? He thought of the few times he had caught her eating from Kronk’s – did she have whipped cream with her milkshake? More giggling behind him. He remembered - last summer – catching her smiling with the straw between those red lips and cream on her fingers-  
“Yes”   
More barely-smothered laughter. The badger fled to prepare the meal when suddenly-  
“Well, well, well, getting take out for you and wife, huh? Cosy night in?”  
Jafar knew that voice, he spun around to stare furiously at the chilled purple eyes of Megara, Hades’ gorgeous former assistant. Jafar didn’t mind Meg, she was beautiful and funny, but today her smug look was too much for him. He gripped her pale shoulder, bent low to her ear and hissed-  
“Yes I am getting dinner for myself and Maleficent, yes we are going to eat this together and yes, in case you have forgotten she is the most powerful and most vindictive of all the villains- no matter how many light-sabers and mind tricks get thrown at her and incidentally, in case it has slipped your tiny princess mind she doesn’t give a fuck what you, the heroes, villains or even the Mouse thinks and would kill you without a second thought which you should be right at home with since no one gives a second thought to your piss-poor sight gag of a movie either!” 

The whole place was silent. He was breathing heavily and gripping Meg’s shoulder so tight he could feel the bones grind underneath. He could see from the corner of his eye some hero-types with swords standing ready, this had almost gone too far. How he would love to raze the place! Take the punishment! It would be so worth it! Except... Maleficent would wake up in his room, hungry and alone. He straightened up and let go of Meg, breathing slowly. Meg massaged her joint, still staring at Jafar and signaled behind her for her crowd of companions to sit back down. The badger popped up, practically threw Jafar’s food onto the counter and ducked behind the large bulk of Kronk who had appeared suddenly behind the counter with a cleaver in his hand. Jafar dropped a few coins, picked up the greasy bags and overflowing bright pink milkshake and turned to leave. Meg was still standing there, staring up at him...smiling? He raised and eyebrow and she laughed a little before stepping closer and whispering:  
“ When I said ‘wife’ – I meant Hades, seeing how close you both are.” Jafar felt cold all over.   
“So...”  
“Yes, what?” He snarled  
“....the Mistress of all Evil likes milkshakes?” She asked, glee spreading across her pretty face. Fuck. Jafar lifted the food high above everyone’s heads and stalked out of the building, fast as a breeze. He was barely inches from the door when he blasted himself back to his rooms. He would get a citation for that later but fuck it. That could not have gone worse. In fact nothing worse could possible happen today he thought as he appeared in his room to the welcoming sight of Maleficent, gloriously naked, wearing one of his turbans.


	4. Did you hear that?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jafar and Maleficent Chow down and Prince Hans gets what he deserves (the bastard). Plus a robot with real daddy issues shows up at the Mansion

“So, you just don’t knock or-?”  
“At the door to my own room? No, not usually”  
“Not even when you have guests staying?”  
“You were asleep!”  
“I woke up!”  
“And wandered naked around my room, well if I’d only known...”  
“Oh, don’t be smart no!don’tturnaroundjustyet!”  
“This is ridiculous! We’ve seen each other naked before!”  
“It’s not like fastpast! It’s doesn’t get you free nudity whenever!”  
“Are you dressed yet woman? I’m hungry!”  
“Yes alright, you can turn around, what did you get? Did you get enough for both of us?”  
“Oh I just picked a random selection, some spinach puffs, you know...”  
“Random selection, hmm?”  
“Yes totally random.”  
“A twenty-seven and a sixteen....you liar, Jafar”  
“What? What are you talking about? I picked a selection of what looked good at the time!”  
“ And at the time you wanted a strawberry milkshake?”  
“....Yes”  
“With whipped cream...?”  
“For your information I was planning on saving the whipped cream for later...”  
“Hah! Well, you certainly have a novel seduction technique.”  
“The way to any creature’s heart is through their stomach.”  
“And the whipped cream?”  
“Well, the way to a woman’s cu-“  
“Enough! You’ll ruin my appetite!”  
“Oh, I can’t have that! Eat then.”  
“Here? In your rooms?”  
“You’d rather eat it downstairs with the rabble?”  
“Hah! Fools! I am not afraid of them or their appetites!”  
KNOCK KNOCK  
“...eep”  
“Jafar? Jafar you in there?”

“Jafar I know you’re in there, I can smell food, did you get food?”

 

“Is it Kronk’s? Did you get Kronk’s? Open up, I can smell the spinach puffs!

“We know you were there, Jafar! Facilier says that Hades told him that Megara said that you almost started a riot in Kronk’s. He said someone insulted Mal and you went all Turbo and threatened to destroy the place and everyone in it and said that you didn’t give a fuck what anyone else thought about Mal, even Mickey, is that true? Jafar? Hey did you get the Inca-Chicken-Combo?”

Avoiding Maleficent’s wide golden stare Jafar whispered a short curse and Gaston immediately remembered he had to be elsewhere, losing to someone at Mario kart. They listened to his footsteps die away and Jafar busied himself with his iced tea.  
“Jafar”  
“Hmm?”  
“Did you start a fight in Kronk’s?”  
“I have no idea what Gaston is talking about, neither does he half the time”  
“Jafar?”  
“Hmm? These puffs are good, very greasy though”  
“Did you start a fight, on Main Street, curse Mickey, risk Sanctions and threaten to destroy the busiest restaurant in Town just because someone slandered my name?”  
“No.”  
“No?”  
“No, they also skimped on the whipped cream.”

 

 

“What was that??” Hans flinched and glanced worriedly at the kitchen ceiling.  
“What was what?”  
“Didn’t you hear that thud? That thump? From right above us?”  
Sykes pushed the overflowing food bowls towards his pups and took his time standing up. He cracked his broad back then stared at the ceiling with an air of gentle befuddlement.   
“Hmmm, can’t say I heard anything.”  
“What??! But...but it was directly above us! The plates rattled! You’re saying you heard nothing?”  
Sykes glanced across the broad kitchen table where Ratcliffe was reading and sneaking bacon to Sykes’ dogs.  
“Ratcliffe? Did you hear anything?”  
“It was from above us” Hans butt in “ Who’s room is above the kitchen? Jafar! That noise was from Jafar’s room! Shouldn’t we go and investigate?” The young man leant across the table.  
“Now that you mention it, I can hear a high-pitched, whining noise with a Slavic accent” Ratcliffe answered not bothering to raise his head from his book “If only there was a way to silence it.” He asked the kitchen at large.  
“ I think I have a way” Sykes chuckled.  
“A wh-? Oh no, no no no!” Hans knew where this was headed  
“Roscoe, DeSoto – Git Hans!”  
The door swung closed after the fleeing Prince and snarling dogs. Sykes went back to his newspaper and cigar and the pleasant calm at the kitchen table settled down once more. After a few seconds Sykes spoke:  
“Sounds like Jafar brought Mal around” He mused  
“Hmf, from the sound of it Mal brought Jafar around, down, against the wall and every other surface...” Ratcliffe drawled  
“Well, at least the Tennis Tournament will go ahead” Sykes smiled  
Ratcliffe ‘hemmed’ in agreement and swiped dust from his shoulders as both men good-naturedly ignored the rhythmic thumps and groans from above them and the screams and growls from outside. Things were back to normal in the Villain’s Mansion.

DING DONG

“Um, anybody order a robot called Kyle?!  
“grr, It’s KYLO!”


	5. Epilogue or 'Pineapple? Really?!'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Mansion returns to semi-normalcy, pineapples become the height of anatomical discussion among tigers, hunters and genocidal fuck-heads and Breaking Bad really is amazing, isn't it?

“Bullshit”  
“I swear it, right paw up to God!”  
“Huh!?”  
“Not you Hades! I’m telling you Clayton- eat enough pineapple and, well, ‘it’, will taste like pineapple.”  
“Oh so Scar eats a pineapple on Tuesday and today you just happen to stumble upon this miraculous intimate anatomical fact? Coincidence?”  
“No one asked you Ratcliffe, and regarding intimate anatomy at least I can see mine.”  
“Ouch! Kitty has claws”  
“Yes, well better not flaunt your little pink cactus near the Mulan crowd or it’ll be hacked off and sold as a cure for impotence faster than you can purr ‘PETA’.”  
“They haven’t caught me yet Ratcliffe and anyway shouldn’t you be off committing hate crimes somewhere?”  
“This conversation is getting too personal for an old soldier like me, but thanks for the advice anyway Khan!”  
“You’re welcome Clayton, can’t you take this fat racist with you?  
“Ha! Says the Indian tiger with an English accent!”  
“Listen you genocidal-!”  
“Who’s committing genocide?!”  
“No-one Hades!”  
“-good cos I’m on break!”  
“Hades, fuck off dear boy!”  
“Dahlings! Dahlings! I hate to interrupt this cross-species spat but I’m making cocktails and I simply canNOT find the pineapple!”  
“You can’t find th-? Ha. Hahaha!!”  
“What’s so funny Shere Dahling? I know we had one.”  
“Hawhawhaw! Khan you sold him on it!”  
“Sold who?”  
“Ha ha, where’s Clayton?”  
“Clayton? Why he just went into Goethel’s room with some fruit, why? Oh why is that so funny??”

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

“The question isn’t if they are allowed, of course they’ll be allowed, what child wouldn’t want one? The question is how quickly they usurp our revenue!”  
“Maleficent my dear, you are thinking far too much on this, here, have a cocktail, they’re pineapple.”  
“Perhaps you’re right, thank you Jafar, but it remains a fact that lightsabers could easily outsell even the Harry Potter wands let alone our own replica wands and staves hmm..pineapple, you say? I wonder why pineapple?”  
“Goethel apparently had some on her, or Clayton, I’m not sure. The point is this: even though the Star Wars world is a part of Disney now, there is no need for them to integrate the merchandise. Star Wars practically created blatant, persistent merchandising and as long as their revenue never crosses over into ours there is no need for competition! I mean, do you see Darth Vader stalking the halls of the mansion? Hmm?”  
“..I wish..”  
“What was that?”  
“Oh, nothing, I’m sure you have a point Jafar, I just cannot help think we should be preparing for a Force vs. Magic battle royale.”  
“Your forethought and preparation is commendable my Mistress, but this preoccupation is such a waste of your faculties.”  
“Hmm...this...this isn’t half bad, pineapple, hmm...”  
“Hey kiddos! What are you two up to in this lil’ corner? Breaking Bad’s on in five.”  
“Hello, Hades”  
“Hmph, Hades.”  
“Owp. Here’s Mr. Grumpy over here! You still mad ‘cos I used your staff as a pool cue?”  
“I’m sure Jafar is not concerned with such trivial things, we were simply discussing these.....curiously tasty pineapple cocktails.”  
“Pineapple, huh? Hey, you wanna know something real interesting about what happens when a guy eats pineapple?”  
“No she doesn’t”  
“I am intrigued Hades, what is it?”  
“Clayton told me...”  
“Hades, no, it’s not interesting At. All.”  
“It sure is!”  
“Hades, please enlighten me.”  
“No, Hades, don’t”  
“The lady wants to know!”  
“I do indeed.”  
“You’re how many millennia old and this is what you find interesting?  
“Well I could tell her about swans fucking dumb virgins and other crazy stuff”  
“Gentlemen, please, I’d like to know wh-“  
“Or girls getting knocked up by falling gold-”  
“If I give you my staff to play with-will you leave us alone?”  
“-then that chick that did it with a bull-“  
“A bull? Who did? Jafar do you know who copulated with a-?”  
“Hades No!”  
“Uh-Hades, yes!”  
“Ahoy! You three! Breaking Bad is on!”  
“Well, I am going to watch Breaking Bad, you two...well to be honest I don’t know what you two are talking about and I suspect you don’t either, I’ll be in the TV room when you wish to stop squabbling in the sandbox and speak like grown up villains.”

“........So.....she finished that cocktail?”  
“Yes Hades, she did”  
“.......do you think she’ll taste like pineapple now?”  
“.......We can only dream, Hades..”  
“You’re missing the finest acting in Chrisendom!”  
“C’mon Jaffy, later we’ll feed some succubi a wagon load of pineapple and make some flesh cocktails, huh?”  
“...Deal”


End file.
